rants/raves of a
poet/writer/student/child of the universe
twitter.com/JoeGrapes:
Looking back.
March 2005.
I lay on my grandmother’s bed. Our house is quiet. My younger sisters birthday party was a small success. Another day has gone by and everything is under control. My brothers are asleep. My father is too, so I think. Visiting my grandmother ended my night well. Seeing her sick in the hospital bed tears me apart, but I know she will be well soon. She always bounces back. She is strong.
Now I have to be strong for her, for my brothers, my sister and especially my father.
Bringing my grandmother a slice of cake from my sister’s birthday was a feat on its own. The nurses hadn’t seen me sneak it in. I thought briefly how I needed to thank my neighbors for driving me out across town for the visit. I kept mulling over how right when I was about to leave the hospital room, she spoke. She had been asleep the entirety of my visit. Four words. “Quedate. No te vallas.” Stay. Do not leave.
I held her hand in mine, and gave it a bit of a squeeze as if making a deal with her. I stared at her frail body. She would be fine. I knew it. The nurse came in and asked me to leave. Visiting hours were over. I kissed her forehead and made my way outside.
I was asleep on my grandmother’s bed when the phone rang late into the early morning. Maybe around 2 or 3 AM. It was a nurse from the hospital. We had to go immediately. Something was wrong. The nurse wanted to speak with my father. I took the phone with me and furiously knocked on my father’s bedroom door. It opened. He was sitting there in his lazy boy. It was where he usually was. A coke can in hand, His gaze lost somewhere in his own thoughts. The TV had some infomercial on. My father turned up to look at me. The face was a familiar one. His eyes were glossy and red. He was high. High off of the fumes of the spray paint. The paint that went in the can. The fumes that went to his head. The fumes that killed his brain cells but got him high. And that’s what mattered the most.
He took the phone from my hand and after a quick, yes, he hung up on the nurse. He regains some form of composure and picks up his keys. He doesn’t say anything as we get into our family van and make the silent drive towards the hospital. He is silent. Whether or not he didn’t speak because he was too high and needed to focus on driving, or too lost for words. I was anxious, nervous but overall I was scared. I yelled at him to tell me what the Nurse had said. I kept going over her words in my mind, just complications. Nothing major. She would be fine. She was going to be okay.
Once we arrived at the hospital my optimism quickly left my body through the tears that rolled off my face. My grandmother was dead.
My father broke down. I broke down. The nurses stood there. My father ran into my grandmother’s hospital room. Five minutes later he ran out. He left.
I slowly walked into my grandmother’s hospital bedroom. There was a silence. One unlike I had never heard before if one could ever even fathom hearing silence. She was there on her bed, as if asleep. I couldn’t match what I was seeing with reality. She was just sleeping. I held her hand. It was cold. I cried. The cold made me cry. The cold meant it was real. The cold matched up reality into a silent film in my head. And like a broken record all I heard in my head were four words. “Quedate. No te vallas.” Stay. Do not leave.
Stay. Do not leave. Stay. Do not leave.
And I cried because I had left.
I cried because I couldn’t have stayed. I cried because everything was so fucked up. I cried because I new things were going to get even more fucked up. I cried because I didn’t have any control or power. I cried because I was only13 years old.
What was I to do? What choice did I have?
Coffee shop bums. #HuesoDeFraile #DowntownBrownsville #BestFriend (Taken with instagram)
Ouija. Mystifying Oracle.® Fear derives from ignorance and a lack of knowledge. Knowledge is power. Power builds strength. Strength overcomes fear. (Taken with instagram)
A Tarot reading for today. Focusing a lot on thoughts and knowledge, directing it towards a single focus. Putting things back in order. A female friend might offer some advice. #Tarot #TheEnchantedWorldTarot (Taken with instagram)
